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"Here we go again," "She started it," "Don't talk to me in that tone of voice." No prizes for guessing why we say those things. Resolving arguments, and even better, preventing them in the first place, is very challenging.
What do you do when you're in the middle of a conflict? Do you:
Shout louder than they do?Convince the offending party that they're wrong and you're right?Admit you could be mistaken?
How often have you chosen option three? Probably never, even though you secretly know it is the correct one. This article will explain some powerful techniques that can keep you cool and calm under pressure. Understanding these will make your life a lot happier. It's not about manipulating people or using secret words to leave people speechless. It's about understanding these questions:What are the underlying causes?
Why does a simple disagreement turn into a deadly cycle?How do you deal with argumentative people in a way that taps into their motivations?How can you ensure that both you and your opponent win?
We all know we react in ways we shouldn't. When that happens we get angry, frustrated, loud, defensive and confused. Contrarily, the difficult people we have to deal with are always, rude, obnoxious, arrogant and demanding etc.
We are the nice people (?)
Why would we say that? Pick a card:
They started it!It's their fault!I was having a great day until they came along with their obnoxiousness and rudeness, arrogance and loudness!
So we get angry, stressed, louder and so on; as a result they become angry, stressed and louder as well. When they do that, we do this, then they do more of that. It's reactivity, and leads to the cycle of conflict. The offending party, to their eyes, probably see us as the aggressors. They see us as arrogant, rude and demanding. They see us as the difficult people. They might even go and tell someone about how insensitive we are.
In an argument there is usually a motivation to get someone to change. But just like trying to take candy from a baby, the more someone tries to get you to let go of what you believe, the more you want to keep it.
Mistaken beliefs.
A disagreement is made by conflicting beliefs. For example, Jane's Homer Simpson Pez dispenser has gone missing. Beliefs lead to interpretations; e.g. Jane believes that Greg has stolen the Pez dispenser. The interpretation creates our expectation, so Jane expects Greg to give Homie back, and the expectations lead to our emotions. Now Jane is all upset, and this goes back to reinforcing her beliefs and interpretations. Bake at gas mark 6 for half an hour, and you have yourself a burnt mess of a conflict.
A belief leads to an interpretation, from which we create our expectations, then from those, an emotion which governs our behaviour.
Characteristics of difficult people
Typically, difficult people have a low self esteem. They might behave in superficially confident ways to attract attention, but really they are uncomfortable with their judgement and opinions. Additionally they might believe that something is wrong with them. If we were to react in a way that reinforces those beliefs, we are reinforcing the very behaviours that need to change.
Should our interpretation of someone change, we interpret their behaviour differently and feel different emotions. Someone who has lost a relative can be forgiven for being angry, upset etc. Our behaviour will be more tolerant and compassionate. Compassion has been said to be the antidote of the soul. If resentment is the poison, then compassion is the antidote.
When you find yourself in the middle, how do you tap into someone's motivations?
Underlying the cycle of conflict are beliefs. We can change our reaction with compassion. In our culture, if someone hits you, verbally or physically, what do you do? Hit them back! Each time the two boxers hit each other harder and harder, getting more and more stressed. Karate is like this. It is very active
Judo on the other hand, has a different strategy. We, (the victim) use our energy to slow the attacker down. We don't oppose him, but use just a small amount of energy to divert his attack. Of course I could win by being even more active than he is, but that would only lead to anger, and resentment. By being receptive, and receiving his energy, we can begin to communicate better.
Martial arts are the analogy for communication. You must be receptive and not active, however you can't be receptive by being manipulative. Steering the conversation around to your motivations will meet resistance, and just like the candy being taken from the baby, it will be fought for.
Our goal is to communicate better. Albert Einstein once said:
"Problems cannot be solved at the same level of awareness that created them."
You therefore must raise your awareness of what people want, their motivations, their fears and worries. Only by communicating will you get this information, and the keys to their cooperation.
Reasons people are difficult in the first place:
1. They have a need to tell us something.
The consequence of believing to be ignored, is you have to shout louder, trying to be heard. Listening sounds like such an old technique, but usually we don't actually listen, we're just experiencing their emotions and letting them vent. That isn't going to help. What helps is finding out what they need, what is important to them? If they tell us this, we are getting the keys to their cooperation.
They have to believe they have been heard. Imagine if someone comes up to you and says:
"I'm feeling angry! And upset!" Now you say: "Ah, I hear you. You're angry... and upset?"
Hands up if you wouldn't be angry at that response. Yeah, I would keep it firmly down like the rest of you. Instead, paraphrase. Say:
"What has made you feel angry and upset?" Then say:"Have I understood?"
If you get an affirmative response, you know they know you have heard them. If not, there is something you are missing.
2. They are afraid that we don't understand the seriousness of their problem.
"Calm down" - The worst ever thing you can say. It ignores rule one, because the words "calm down" imply that you don't care, or you don't understand the seriousness of their problem.
So... empathise!
Empathy does NOT mean you agree with them. Myth busted. There has to be a distinction between agreeing with someone and empathising with them. If you can say: "I understand where you are coming from, I understand why you are upset." They have no reason to defend their right to be angry.
3. They don't believe we value their input and ideas.
Here is where you ask the question:
"What are your ideas for solving the problem, and will you work with me?"
It moves the cycle of conflict into the present. It distracts from the irrelevant thoughts of "He said this, she did that" etc, and shows that we value their input. In the solution, your "ally" will tell you what is important to them, this is the key to their cooperation.
The problem so far, is that in addressing listening, empathising, and asking, we are only using receptive skills. As good as being receptive is, exclusive use of this "Judo" stance, will leave stones unturned in solving the conflict.
4. They are afraid that if we win the argument, they lose.
This is where we combine Judo with Karate to create the ultimate solution. We take all the information about a person's motivations (the information we obtained by listening and paraphrasing), take the active role, and blend their ideas with your own. You come up with a solution which is more likely to make them cooperate because they feel they have invested in it with their ideas.
The acronym "LEAP" is this process:
> Listen
> Empathise
> Ask
> Problem solving
This model takes practise to use, so feel free to make up some conflicts to prepare for when the real thing rears its ugly face. Eat someone's cake, write an expletive on someone's sleeping forehead, tickle somebody who needs the toilet.
When the real situation comes, be sure to follow the model. Listening, asking and empathising all have to come before the problem solving. You don't want a PLEA model, it has to be LEAP.
Roundup
Never use the word: "but":
"I acknowledge you have a problem, but..."
You see? The "b" word acts to negate everything that is said before it. Using this word suggests that the problem you have acknowledged isn't important enough to merit your attention, and so you've failed to follow rule number one. Change the word to: "and", then you are drawing on your opponents' perspective, making them feel involved and showing that you have heard them. The solution is an "us and we", rather than "either or".
Congratulations! You are now a qualified marriage and relationship counsellor. We have talked about the cycle of conflict and how beliefs can create emotions, that govern our behaviours. But now we understand how compassion, being the antidote of the soul, is a receptive behaviour, using just a little energy to dispel a lot of aggressive force.
By listening, asking and paraphrasing what we have heard, we ensure that the opponent knows we have listened, and empathy lets us see where they are coming from. Using the word "and" instead of "but", creates a joint solution, that your opponent is keen to follow, but only if you say:
"What do you suggest we do? And will you work with me?"
Be sure to use the LEAP model, as in leap of faith. Good luck with your next argument!
Laurence Mason - an expert author with EzineArticles, writes quality articles with content value at the heart of every sentence. The philosophy is one of maintaining articles that provide genuine value to people, and to ensure that readers are positively impacted by what is written; perhaps changing the way they think forever.
Do pay a visit to http://smartertosmartest.com/ to read some of the many entertaining and informative posts on personal development, memory training, beating procrastination, time management and more.
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